Socializing with the Right People is the Strongest Painkiller

The wrong ones will amplify misery

Artwork created by author with DALL-E.

I did an FMT treatment this week, which meant inevitable pain this weekend. These treatments, and many others, cause herxheimer reactions; also known as a “healing crisis” — a temporary worsening of symptoms thanks to the endotoxins released in the body when pathogens are killed. Though it’s a “good” pain, an indication of the pathogen dying, it means you first have to get far worse to get better.

Herxes manifest differently with different people. For me, herxing primarily presents as severe, profound, radiating muscle pain, with generous heapings of fever, crushing fatigue, headaches, and bloating on the side. The muscle pain is so deep it feels like all my bones are broken — like I was in a car accident that completely mangled my entire body. I describe it as feeling like I’ve been hit by a semi, and I don’t think people realize how literal I’m being with that description. It sounds hyperbolic, but that is precisely what a herx feels like for me — like an 18-wheeler hit me going full speed and then backed over me a few times for good measure.

So since the onset of my illness, I’ve had to make my peace with becoming a flake. Pre-illness, I was A-type, people-pleasing, dependable. I often forced myself to attend things out of obligation and duty when I didn’t have the necessary gas in the tank for it. So this was a challenging shift for me to make — prioritizing my needs above all and disappointing people.

I dread RSVPing for these reasons. It’s 100% impossible for me to guarantee how I will feel on any particular day — what my pain and energy levels will be like. So my friends have learned to either become understanding of my default “maybe” response or just quit inviting me to begin with. It’s true what they say — you learn who your true friends are when you’re at your lowest. The friends who have a higher capacity for empathy and compassion have been understanding of all the rain-checking. I have realized that the friends who faded into the ether when I could no longer party were never friends to begin with. They were drinking buddies. As soon as I could no longer enable them, they were out.

I was due to hang out with some friends this weekend. When I notified them mid-week that…